I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
