I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
