I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
