I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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