Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Hippo gnu deer
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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