My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
