I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
