So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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