i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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