I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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