oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
