ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
