My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Your dad touched me again.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
