also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
