His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
