I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
