Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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