Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You smell like stripper and shame
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
