sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
