I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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