so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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