I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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