we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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