Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
