Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
