i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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