She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
