I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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