Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i was born a porn star she said
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
