do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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