guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
