you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
