Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
