Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
