im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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