i already hear my dad disowning me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
