she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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