I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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