I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
