My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
