Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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