one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
