I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
