I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
no, he came in my armpit
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
