I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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