If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
