I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
