Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
