He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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