he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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